HUMOUR

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Jewish Parrot Joke
(Contributed by Ang Chin Geok)

Three Jewish boys want to celebrate their mother's 80th birthday.  The eldest says, "You know, all those years we were growing up, Ma never had a decent kitchen, there was that tiny bathroom we all had to share?  Well, now that i can afford it, I'm giving her a whole mansion, with marble floors and gold-plated taps."

The second son says, "Yeah.  She used to wait in the pouring rain and burning sun to meet us at the bus-stop.  So I'm giving her a Rolls Royce, with a cocktail bar.  It even comes with a chauffeur."

"Sure," says the youngest son.  "And you know how she loves to read the Torah, and now her eyesight is bad, & she's having difficulties.  So I found this professor in the Hebrew University who has trained a parrot to recite every verse from the Torah.  All Ma has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it to perfection.  It's going to cost $1million p.a. to hire that parrot, but for Mama, nothing's too good "

In due course, the thank you letters arrive.

Dear Marvin,

"You are a wonderful son to give me that beautiful mansion. But I live in only one room and such a big place  is expensive to run."

Dear Elliot,

Such a beautiful car you gave to your loving Ma, but petrol costs the earth, so  I hardly ever go anywhere."

Dear David,

"You are the only one who understands what your dearest Mama really needs. The chicken was delicious!"

Does It Hurt As Much?
(Contributed by Ang Chin Geok)

A man finishes his early morning golf game, then drops his car at the garage for servicing.  As he's about to get on the bus, he realises he's got a half a dozen golf balls with him and he's left his bag in his car.  He stuffs the balls in his pockets and gets on the bus. 

A very attractive girl sits next to him, and he realises with growing embarrassment that she keeps casting curious glances at the bulges in his shorts. 

Finally he feels obliged to offer an explanation.  "Golf balls," he says.

She gives him a sympathetic look & says, "You poor thing.  Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Two Ghosts
(Contributed by Mike Chan)

Two ghost met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost: How u died?

2nd ghost: I died of coldness.

1st ghost: How does it feel when you're dying in cold?

2nd ghost: Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.

1st ghost: You're so pitiful....

2nd ghost: How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost: I died from heart attack.

2nd ghost: I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost: Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, I saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, I looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost: Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!

You may be arrested for laughing!
(Contributed by Percy Tan)

This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. 

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.

Lovemaking In the Dark!
(Contributed by Lee Chuan Hwa)

For more than 10 years, every time the husband made love to his wife he insists on switching off the lights.
One day the wife finally had enough and decided to do something. 

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming and romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights. She nearly fainted with what she saw. Her husband was USING a battery operated vibrator on her.

She went absolutely nuts and shouted - "You impotent bastard. So this is what you have been doing over the years! You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly said - I'll explain the toy .... YOU EXPLAIN THE KIDS!"
 

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LAWYERS
(Contributed by Lee Chuan Hwa)

One hot day, God met Satan and they got talking.

Satan: How is Heaven?

God: Oh, the usual. As you know, there are no Sinners and life is always peaceful and sometimes boring. But this summer, we are experiencing unusually hot weather. We find it difficult to work in the day and at night we cannot sleep. It is hot like Hell!

Satan: Oh no. Hell is just fine. You see, we had a new arrival - a brilliant engineer. He air-conditioned the whole of Hell and now we have a constant 23-degrees.

God: That is not fair. We will sue!

Satan: And where are you going to find lawyers?

Sipping Vodka
(Contributed by Hamid Jinnah)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, I put a glass of vodka on the pulpit next to the water glass. If I get nervous, I take a sip".

So, the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a big sip. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door from the monsignor:

  • Sip the vodka, dont' gulp

  • There are 10 commandments, not 12

  • There are 12 disciples, not 10

  • Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

  • Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

  • We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

  • The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

  • David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him

  • When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his doney, don't say he was stoned off his ass

  • We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

  • When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me"

  • The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"

  • The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"

  • Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's