Jewish Parrot Joke
(Contributed by Ang Chin Geok)
Three Jewish boys want to
celebrate their mother's 80th birthday. The eldest
says, "You know, all those years we were growing up, Ma
never had a decent kitchen, there was that tiny bathroom
we all had to share? Well, now that i can afford it,
I'm giving her a whole mansion, with marble floors and
The second son says,
"Yeah. She used to wait in the pouring rain and burning
sun to meet us at the bus-stop. So I'm giving her a
Rolls Royce, with a cocktail bar. It even comes with a
"Sure," says the youngest
son. "And you know how she loves to read the Torah, and
now her eyesight is bad, & she's having difficulties.
So I found this professor in the Hebrew University who
has trained a parrot to recite every verse from the
Torah. All Ma has to do is name the chapter and verse,
and the parrot will recite it to perfection. It's going
to cost $1million p.a. to hire that parrot, but for
Mama, nothing's too good "
In due course, the thank
you letters arrive.
"You are a wonderful son
to give me that beautiful mansion. But I live in only
one room and such a big place is expensive to
Such a beautiful car you
gave to your loving Ma, but petrol costs the earth, so
I hardly ever go anywhere."
"You are the only one who
understands what your dearest Mama really needs. The
chicken was delicious!"
Does It Hurt As
(Contributed by Ang Chin Geok)
A man finishes his
early morning golf game, then drops his car at
the garage for servicing. As he's about to get
on the bus, he realises he's got a half a dozen
golf balls with him and he's left his bag in his
car. He stuffs the balls in his pockets and
gets on the bus.
A very attractive
girl sits next to him, and he realises with
growing embarrassment that she keeps
casting curious glances at the bulges in his
Finally he feels
obliged to offer an explanation. "Golf balls,"
She gives him a
sympathetic look & says, "You poor thing. Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
(Contributed by Mike Chan)
Two ghost met and both
chat about how they died.
1st ghost: How u died?
2nd ghost: I died of
1st ghost: How does it
feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost: Actually, I
was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was
shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I
felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I
died with not much sufferings.
1st ghost: You're so pitiful....
2nd ghost: How about you?
How did u die?
1st ghost: I died from
2nd ghost: I see, why did
u have a heart attack?
1st ghost: Actually, I
found out that my wife is having an affair with another
man. One day, when I came back from work, I saw a pair
of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the
guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the
bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that
bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran
downstairs, I looked in the storeroom, but the bastard
was not there. So, ran upstairs and searched the
wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired
of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost: Why didn't you
look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of
us were alive now!
You may be arrested for laughing!
(Contributed by Percy
This is from an actual trial in the UK:
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an
advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which
read: 'William's Stick Did The
Then I could not control myself any
longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which
read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
The case was dismissed.
In the Dark!
(Contributed by Lee Chuan Hwa)
For more than 10 years, every time the husband made love to his wife he insists on switching off the lights.
One day the wife finally had enough and decided to do something.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming and romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights.
She nearly fainted with what she saw. Her husband was USING a battery operated vibrator on her.
She went absolutely
nuts and shouted - "You impotent bastard. So this is what you have been doing over the
years! You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly said - I'll explain the toy .... YOU EXPLAIN THE KIDS!"
(Contributed by Lee Chuan Hwa)
One hot day, God met Satan
and they got talking.
Satan: How is Heaven?
God: Oh, the usual. As you
know, there are no Sinners and life is always peaceful
and sometimes boring. But this summer, we are
experiencing unusually hot weather. We find it difficult
to work in the day and at night we cannot sleep. It is
hot like Hell!
Satan: Oh no. Hell is just
fine. You see, we had a new arrival - a brilliant
engineer. He air-conditioned the whole of Hell and now
we have a constant 23-degrees.
God: That is not fair. We
Satan: And where are you
going to find lawyers?
(Contributed by Hamid Jinnah)
A new priest at his first
mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When
I am worried about getting nervous, I put a glass of
vodka on the pulpit next to the water glass. If I get
nervous, I take a sip".
So, the next Sunday, he took
the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon,
he got nervous and took a big sip. He then proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the
mass, he found the following note on the door from the
Sip the vodka, dont' gulp
There are 10 commandments,
There are 12 disciples, not
Jesus was consecrated, not
Jacob wagered his donkey, he
did not bet his ass
We do not refer to Jesus
Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son and Holy
Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
David slew Goliath, he did
not kick the shit out of him
When David was hit by a rock
and was knocked off his doney, don't say he was stoned
off his ass
We do not refer to the cross
as the "Big T"
When Jesus broke the bread
at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it
is my body". He did not say "Eat me"
The Virgin Mary is not
called "Mary with the Cherry"
The recommended grace before
a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah
Next Sunday there will be a
taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's